I am no writer. I am not famous. I will not be remembered in 100 years. So why bother?

I am an average girl with a mind that has been undiscovered. Why is this? Because people do not challenge other’s minds. People are more worried about themselves; therefore, they don’t try to push others to be better. This is my first blog and I am going to use it to vent about love. How is challenging someone’s mind and love related? I’ll tell you, but first let me vent.

I have dated enough to last a lifetime for most people. But why do none of these relationships last? Is it me? Them? Society? This small town? The hard truth is, it’s all the above yet none of the above. I am a hopeless romantic, but that doesn’t mean anything now a days. Did it exist in the past? Most likely not; although, people wrote stories about it existing and I am glad they did as it gives us all hope.

I currently have been seeing a guy for the last few months that has awoken something in me I haven’t felt before. Is it love? My friends tell me it is only lust. One thing I struggle with is chasing lust, I get a high from the honeymoon phase but when it ends I usually end the relationship. Is this right? No, but it is something I struggle with. I know that my relationships don’t last long because I end them. I have never been broken up with but I have had my heart crushed by dozens of guys that I was seeing “casually”. I wish guys still showed up on our door steps and knocked asking to take us on a date. But instead, we are poked on Facebook, or swiped on tinder. Dating now a days is hard. Everyone has their own demons that they battle with yet no one sticks around to help us face them.

Why do guys make me happy? Why can’t I be happy with myself, just me, myself and I? Is it because of how I was raised? Is it society’s impossible view of the perfect women? Is it my brain chemistry? Do people who are in relationships settling? Why bother with love if it can end 20 years down the road? All these questions will never have a true answer, can we live with that?

Back to this guy I have been seeing. In the last few months we have hung out a few times a week. We have gone to one another’s families events, laughed, cuddled, made love, went on dates, talk throughout the entire day we aren’t together. So what is the issue? Well he doesn’t want to jump into things, he likes me but wants to take things slow.

What does this mean? He knows I am crazy about him, but to me this means that he enjoys my company but doesn’t want to commit to me. I don’t think he is stringing me along, but at the same time how long do I wait and suffer in silence for him to ask me to be his girlfriend? Is the label pointless? Yes. But it means that we are committed to only one another and in a world that where this barely exists, I refuse to believe I can’t have it. Every night I think about his soft lips, his laugh, his nostrils and how they flair, the way he makes me feel when I am with him, the way he makes me feel safe and like I can actually be excited for the future. But I am in a dream world.

Is he too good for me? Am I not good enough? Do I give him an ultimatum?

The truth is, there is no right answer. No matter what I do, I can’t make him care for me and be afraid to lose me. I told him how I felt, and that I couldn’t be strung along anymore. Most people would be content and able to take things slow but I simply cannot. I am too passionate, too consumed with the concept of love. My expectations will always be high, and I refuse to let myself be crazy about a guy who doesn’t feel the same towards me. To let him go hurts. I know I have my own issues but who doesn’t?

We all deserve love.

Will he realize what he lost and reach out to me? Will he convince me that if we keep things how they were eventually he will commit. I have no idea, but what I do know is that I challenged him and sometimes people can’t handle that.

Long story short, go with your gut. My gut has been telling me things aren’t adding up for a while now. Do I think he is seeing other girls? Honestly, no. But I do think he wants to remain single to other girls.

I will wait for my prince charming, cause f*** society and send me my superman.